Subject: McSweeney’s Internet Tendency: I Swear to Fucking God, If I Come Home This Christmas and Find Out My Parents are Still Unplugging Their Computer From the Wall When They Want to Turn It Off, I Will Fucking Snap.
From: "Eric Schwerin" <[email-masked]>
To: "Matthew FitzSimmons" <[email-masked]>, "Hunter Biden" <[email-masked]>, "Rob Walker" <[email-masked]>
Date: Tue, 23 Dec 2014 13:05:22 -0500

McSweeney’s Internet Tendency: I Swear to Fucking God, If I Come Home This
Christmas and Find Out My Parents are Still Unplugging Their Computer From
the Wall When They Want to Turn It Off, I Will Fucking Snap.

http://www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/i-swear-to-fucking-god-if-i-come-home-this-christmas-and-find-out-my-parents-are-still-unplugging-their-computer-from-the-wall-when-they-want-to-turn-it-off-i-will-fucking-snap

I SWEAR TO FUCKING GOD, IF I COME HOME THIS CHRISTMAS AND FIND OUT MY
PARENTS ARE STILL UNPLUGGING THEIR COMPUTER FROM THE WALL WHEN THEY WANT TO
TURN IT OFF, I WILL FUCKING SNAP.

[Originally published December 21, 2010.]

Seriously, how fucking hard can it be?

Click START, then click SHUT DOWN.

That’s a *TWO*-step process that for the past 10 years in a row I’ve had to
sit down with you assholes and explain, re-explain, re-explain, re-explain,
re-explain, re-explain, re-explain, re-explain and re-explain START, then
SHUT DOWN! START, THEN SHUT DOWN!!!

What, in the *precise* two-step process—that I’ve written down and given to
you on numerous occasions—do you not get?

“But Jason,” Dad will say, “it’s confusing that I have to click START in
order to shut something down. That just seems counterintuitive.”

Oh is it, *Alan*? Is it counterintuitive? Would it help if, instead of a
START icon, Microsoft created an icon that looked like a 63-year-old
retired accountant with back problems bending over to unplug his computer
from the wall? Would that kind of visual be less “counterintuitive”?
Apparently it would because every FUCKING year I come home and find that
you’ve been resorting to exactly that kind barbarism.

But it ends here! DO YOU HEAR ME, ALAN? It ends here!

You and Mom had better brace for the possibility that one of you is going
to walk into the family room someday and find the other electrocuted, lying
in pile of their own shit next to the computer, because that’s what’s in
your future if you keep unplugging it from the wall rather than following
my VERY simple instructions!

And GODDAMMIT, STOP PRINTING OUT HARD COPIES OF ALL YOUR EMAILS!

Eric D. Schwerin
[email-masked]

Sent from my iPhon