From: "Zoe Kestan" <[email-masked]>
To: <[email-masked]>
Date: Wed, 18 Jul 2018 21:39:21 +0000

An old text I sent - 

Ok, here it goes —

I am filled with heartbreak shame and guilt right now. My new Airbnb is really beautiful. I just walked in and sat on the couch to cry. I am also eating penne alla vodka from the same place we ordered to the NoMad. I wanted to think I deserved a perfect ending so easily...to be the complete princess I believed life owed me. I was butthurt to know that I didn’t get what I wanted. The incredibly sexy daddy, the luxury, the infamy, the love, the commitment, the soul mate. 

I know I’m not owed anything in this life. And to have even gotten the chance to be in yours was a blessing. You’re a damn cookoo bird but fuck was it a once-in-a-lifetime blessing. You’re heart passion generosity and love only come together in one in a million Hunter please don’t think I don’t know it. Sure you had your demons but never could I deny the gift that you are.but I immediately told myself that this is what I was deserved. I’m sorry for how disrespectful I was to that blessing. I created promises in my head that you didn’t truly make but I wanted you to. I owed you a completely shut mouth but as I keep realizing, I focus too much on myself in front of others. I feel deeply guilty for it- I wanted your life *to be* my life - and then I wanted be seen. It is wild when I realize how much of my existence is about my need to make myself seen. Selfish and incredibly ungrateful, I deserve to be faced with some reality checks sometime. And when I wanted to feel sorry for myself- I could invade your privacy and cry to my friends to make it about me.... and you didn’t deserve that. And I’m sorry. You didn’t deserve one bit of it no matter how dark a situation could’ve let me temporarily overlook that. 

I watched the Ted Talk on addiction and connection last night. Feeling butthurt and some skewed perception of unrequited love, my gut reaction tells me to leave you until you realized what you lost.

But I then become disgusted with myself to think I could do that - knowing that what you need is connection in order to survive right now. If I walked away from you right now out of defense it would be so cruel. I’m so sorry for changing the rules. I am admitting it. I’m exactly who you think I am. because it is for damn certain that you saw the real me during this experience- and I am not proud of all of it.

Tomorrow and the next day I’ll be taking off all the pictures and videos of you off my phone (id like to print them out and place them into a single book to be tucked away..)You deserve the respect of me keeping this beautiful (reckless, but incredibly beautiful) experience completely private and I promise to speak nothing but to say simply to others that you are a beautiful person. Everything else is private, and your recovery will happen in time while I keep my distance. 

I bought myself a plane ticket home yesterday while I was angry at you. But I don’t want to take anymore of your money, I’m a big girl who deserves to be given a few restrictions right now. This apartment is beautiful that I have now for this last month.

I will always be there for you Hunter. After the ways you have and will always be there for me. I am here. For you. You are so loved. You are so beautiful. You are so needed. Please know this and you will get better. 

Thank you for loving me.

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