Subject: Re: DRAFT: South Carolina Primary Day Remarks
From: David Binder <[email-masked]>
To: "Margolis, Jim" <[email-masked]>
Cc: Nick Merrill <[email-masked]>, Dan Schwerin <[email-masked]>, Speech Drafts <[email-masked]>, Clay Middleton <[email-masked]>, Stephanie Formas <[email-masked]>, Varun Anand <[email-masked]>
Date: Sat, 27 Feb 2016 10:35:41 -0800
List-Id: <speechdrafts.hillaryclinton.com>

Quick thought here in response and not specific to the speech, but a point with a nod to the general:

Let's make sure we don't go too far with anti-corporate rhetoric despite the anger we heard in Yesterday's groups in Detroit.  We absolutely need to go after the bad corporate actors who are hurting the country (by scamming out of paying taxes) and families (by jacking up drug costs a million percent).  But let's not forget the good corporate citizens that are doing right by their employees and contributing to the fabric of communities, providing good jobs and the careers that so many seek right now.  Need to make sure we don't tar entire corporate America as we forcefully take on those who are hurting us.  

But with that caveat, I agree with the line Jim calls out below as extremely effective. 

Sent from mobile device

> On Feb 27, 2016, at 1:17 PM, Margolis, Jim <[email-masked]> wrote:
> 
> Dan, others...
> The corporate stuff is what is testing the strongest for us and what did the best in focus groups yesterday.  I wouldn't cut much there.
> 
> When you finish the Johnson Controls graph, you go to inversion.  The inversion/perversion line is good poetry, but i think it's hard for a lot of people to understand.  Whether you keep it, or cut it, i'd like you to add the line we used in the Johnson spot because we may use it elsewhere:
> 
> "If you walk out on America, you'll pay a price".
> 
> That line could find it's way into other ads..
> 
> Thanks.
> ________________________________________
> From: [email-masked] [[email-masked]] on behalf of Nick Merrill [[email-masked]]
> Sent: Saturday, February 27, 2016 12:30 PM
> To: Dan Schwerin
> Cc: Speech Drafts; Clay Middleton; Stephanie Formas; Varun Anand
> Subject: Re: DRAFT: South Carolina Primary Day Remarks
> 
> Sitting with John, Jennifer, and Maya.  Here are collective thoughts/feedback:
> 
> 1) The portion of the togetherness riff that talks about small
> businesses, we reforms listed in an effort to try and get "dreams" at
> the end:
> "We will work together to give people the tools they need to start a
> small business- for every American with the dream of being an
> entrepreneur."
> 
> 2) In the heads and hearts paragraph, insert WJC riff on making
> America whole again.
> 
> 3) In the Mothers of the Movement section, instead of dedicating the
> win to them, instead dial is back just slightly to something like "Our
> journey in South Carolina was inspired by Mothers of the Movement..."
> 
> 4) Kill the tooth fairy anecdote.
> 
> 5) John thinks the speech is a little long, and that maybe the the
> corporate stuff could be a place to shorten it.  We could move it up
> in the speech a bit and tighten it so she's mentioning Wall Street,
> Johnson Controls, Valiant, but instead of reprising her usual lines
> she does quick hits and then move it up, tighten it, and have it be
> the lead in to the togetherness pieces, so you do anger then optimism,
> not the other way around.
> 
> 6) Finally, there's agreement that the imagine riff should go in, even if brief.
> 
> Dan give me a call if you want to go over.
> 
>> On Feb 26, 2016, at 11:46 PM, Dan Schwerin <[email-masked]> wrote:
>> 
>> Team, here is a draft for Tuesday night's remarks after the South Carolina primary.  It builds on what worked in Nevada, but reverses the order to give more prominence to the "we're all in this together and all have to do our part" section. You'll see prominent placement for the Mothers of the Movement, Flint, and our favorite corporate villains.  It's also infused with a bit more "love & kindness," to elevate the tone of a week defined by Republican mud wrestling.
>> Please send me any comments or concerns.
>> Thanks
>> Dan
>> <2016-02-27 SC Primary Remarks - 12am.docx>
> 
> 
> 
> 
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